When you were first pregnant, you’d day dream about your new life with your baby. How blissful, serene, and sweet it was…You sooo looked forward to becoming a mommy.
And soon enough, your little angel arrived.
With it, and all the juicy joy of motherhood, came chaos too. Before you knew it, your gears shifted, and life was changing with each new day. You had no idea who you were anymore, your marriage dynamic changed, and life was never the same (for better or worse).
Now fast forward a few years, and your family fights have grown along with the bigger challenges.
Family time has grown non – existent, your marriage has changed and no longer comes first, and you (as an individual) are most likely at the bottom of your list. You now “matter” as a chauffeur that drives your children around to after-school activities, (an average of 6-7 per child, according to psychologist, and best selling author of Simplicity Parenting – Kim John Payne).
There seems to be something missing in your personal life, and in your family’s.
What can you do to spark up connection, joy, health and happiness in your home life?
Well my dear friend, you may not want to hear this, but it all starts with you, and it doesn’t have to be daunting or difficult.
Here’s the deal –
If Mamma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy (so the old country song says).
The truth is that you can only control your own happiness, so let’s start there…
When I first had my little ones I went into “survival mode”. Many now say that I rock as a mom, (phew am I happy to hear it looks that way on the outside) but I definitely lost myself somewhere along the way. After 8 years, I found myself totally disconnected from my husband. We had become a partnership, and good at the parenting part, but that deep love was missing.
I hardly had time for me, and every day there was a huge “To Do List” starring at me. I started to feel a brewing resentment as my life’s dreams and passions were not being met. Although I had everything – a (physically) healthy family, a home, friends, great school, etc. – I was being eaten alive inside.
Relate to any of this?
We all can on some level. Whether we find ourselves faced with old struggles and emotional challenges that come up as a result of being a mom, or marriage issues, or depression, anxiety, or anything at all – we’ve all been there. It is part of it – we’re all trying to meet today’s demands as a mom.
Here’s some good news!
It doesn’t have to take you down, and it doesn’t have to affect your family.
Being aware and acknowledging your feelings, your pain, and present state is what will drive you to grow from it.
Be truly honest with yourself, and give yourself permission to own your feelings, and from there, your healing begins. That’s always the first (and hardest) step, and it soon takes a turn for the better!
For example – once I admitted that I was feeling resentful (yes, it felt sh**ty and guilty as hell at first), I was actually liberated and felt light. From there, I simply asked, “What do I need to do to feel more fulfilled?”
Our children and families, are only as happy and healthy, as we are.
I am an activist and an advocate that creates change in the world. Thats my fuel, and I realized that when I wasn’t fulfilling that need, what was actually brewing beneath was tremendous guilt (that eventually became resentment). I felt that I wasn’t doing my part in creating a brighter future and better world for my kids, and so it was gnawing at me on a deeper level.
From there, I was hit over the head with the simple insight that, if I go out and begin making a difference as I feel the need to, I won’t really be neglecting my family – I will actually be mothering them in a different way. In a way that forges a path for them towards something better, and in a way that makes me truly happy.
Seriously – it was a win-win! Why didn’t I see that earlier?
Because I was confined by the judgment of what a mother should be, instead of the mother I wanted to be.
If you can take one thing away from this share – it’s this. At my events, and in my book, Love Centered Parenting, I always speak about the importance of creating your own parenting style and beating to the beat of your own drum. If you don’t, there’s a price and many of us suffer from it (and so do our families, and relationships).
I’ve also grown to know that my marriage comes first (yes – before the kids). We almost separated to figure that one out – please don’t wait that long! And although we sometimes get caught up, my husband and I have learned to make time to talk, have dates, have fun, and enjoy each other. This also allows us to offer a real example of love – it models to the kids about relationships and family.
The most important piece though, is self-fulfillment.
That doesn’t mean being selfish. Honoring yourself – honors the whole family.
Once you begin fulfilling you soul’s desires, there is a deeper meaning and purpose in your life. Suddenly, all the b.s. that takes place in the home doesn’t seem as heavy. The lows feel more manageable, and the highs seem like they will stay with you forever – this is because it all remains within perspective according to the bigger picture of what you are cultivating.
Since my little epiphany, I’ve written my book, started my blog, began public speaking and parent advocacy to build a better tomorrow for our children.
I’ve made many mistakes and learned a lot, but I am exactly where I want to be – I feel amazing as me, as a wife, as a mom, a friend, and a global community member that is making a difference every single day. Not just for my future, and my kids’, but for all of us.
Want to learn more about how you can do that? Stay tuned for my next post, where I share how that journey unfolded (after I realized all of the above, of course).
Don’t get me wrong though, I still struggle, still learn from my emotions, my pain, and try my hardest to be honest with who I am, and to let myself “feel” – I try to kick self-judgment out of the equation, because it just drags me down.
I choose to no longer hide behind my “mommy” duties. I am here to heal myself, heal my loved ones, and help others heal as well, so that we can consciously grow together.
So, yes…I have issues, and try my hardest every day to not get caught up in them (although I had a major shit storm in my house this past weekend, but like I said…it happens, and what you do afterwards is what counts.)
I choose to explore how my issues can best serve me and my family so that I can get to where I need to go, so I can experience joy, connection and happiness in my life.
Do you have issues? Please share what insight you got from one of your hold ups, and how your overcame it. I would love to hear what you did, or where you are with it at the moment. Trust me, the more we talk about it, the more normal it feels!
Sending you all my love,