Having Sex and Enjoying it After Children Arrive
Love Centered Parenting does include a sex life. And yes…we can still enjoy this intimacy with our spouse, and it is just as important as it ever was. Some of you may agree, and some of you may be wondering how it is possible to squeeze in sex among all the diaper changing, sleep deprivation, chauffeuring, homework, cooking, work and all else on our daily list. Too tired by the end of the day? I still say it is possible – in fact…I say, make sex possible, because your marriage and family depend on it.
Why Does Sex Matter?
The truth is that is it more than just a quickie for you or your husband. It is a connection; a communication; a deep bond; a spiritual journey. And if you do not create the time for this form of intimate communication, you will grow distant from each other. Fights about sex and all else will be inevitable. Your husband will be left wondering why he is rejected, and you will be wondering why sex is on the top of his list when you can simply connect with a hug, or a kiss, or by sharing about your day. Well, sex opens the door for the two of you to communicate, as well as be affectionate in a way that you are not with any other person in the world. It creates the connection that is deeper than that of a friend, a partnership, a roomate – your spouse is much more than all of that, and this can be expressed through a full body connection that allows for vulnerability and communication.
Ancient traditions and religions have shared how important sex is for each individual and for the couple. The spiritual practice of a sexual connection is part of your road during this life’s journey. For men, sexual energy is harnessed in the genital area. When experienced with a loving partner, this energy flows up towards his heart center (Middle Dantian) – which is then transformed to love – making. For women, sexual energy is harnessed in the heart center, and if both partners can be in sync, this energy can next be circulated up to the head and above, where it is experienced as “heavenly bliss”. I haven’t been there myself, but have read a bit about it, and it sounds very inviting. It sounds like a physical orgasm can’t compete with it! This experience is said to lead to enlightenment, and has been practiced for thousands of years. It would make sense to begin looking at the blocks we experience here on a physical plane so that we can move past them and onto a more spiritual, pleasurable, enlightened space. Lets see…
Sex for Him
For men, it is important for them to feel a sexual connection on a much deeper level than just a quickie. Sure – a quickie works if it has to, but it really isn’t as much fun or as fulfilling for either party. Men want to know that their wife is also being fulfilled and satisfied. If their wife is enjoying the moment, he will enjoy it even more. A man does want to be “wanted” by his wife, and if his wife initiates…that is half the foreplay right there! Add a little touching and passion to the mix; maybe even share exactly what you like, and your communication just reached another marker. Expressing what feels good also reminds both partners that this is something that only the two of you can do with each other – no one else, and this creates a bit more openness and magic in the relationship. It makes it stand apart from your other relationships and therefore more special.
Suggestion for Him: Be more generous in all areas of the relationship. Ask your wife what she enjoys in bed; if she needs anything during the day; generously share your feelings during the day – not just in bed; be generous with your affection during the day as well; plan a picnic or simply put aside some time for her.
(see more tips in my weekly tip section)
Sex for Her
For women, it’s more about being emotionally safe. If that is covered…men – you are in! But that requires women to also be more forgiving, or simply releasing whatever is between them and their spouse. Women have to let go of whatever judgments they have about their partners. If your husband ever messed up during your relationship, and this has held you back from a deeper connection with him, then it is important that you reach for the support you need to practice forgiveness. For us women, the heart has to be open so that sexuality can be pleasurable. It’s all about the emotions. And so healing that, and communicating with your spouse is everything – literally. Your husband wants this deep connection with you – not just as a form of release for himself, but as an intimate connection with the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with. He chose to enjoy his life (including sex life) with only you, and so it is important to fulfill on all that is important in your marriage.
For women, it is important to also be vulnerable enough to say what feels good. Don’t let him guess and explore (although that is fun too). Just say it…he wants to know. You should enjoy this experience to its fullest potential, and that will only happen if you speak up about it.
Suggestions for Her: Heal what comes up for you (feelings of inadequacy, self-esteem concerns, old wounds, practice forgiveness). Initiate sex, explore your sexual needs and what feels good and share it with your husband. Explore ways that the two of you can connect and have fun being intimate in a way that you can only be together.
Sex is More Than Just Sex
Sexual intimacy seems to offer an endless amount of opportunity for the couple. More than anything though…it has the potential of creating an abundance of love in a marriage and for the entire family. Being connected sexually and spiritually, invites the whole family to be even more bonded. If mom and dad are experiencing this closeness, the children will feel it too. And if mom and dad have this healthy communication and connection, then all else seems more manageable. The marital partneship grows stronger. When we are distant and frustrated, it is much easier to dive into arguments and fights, and it is also easier to let out pent up frustration about hidden issues during those fights, which simply adds more gas to the flame. Suddenly, a small argument flares up into something much bigger than it needs to be. This is harder to dive into though, when experiencing the benefits of a healthy bedroom.
And so I say, don’t see it as just sex. It is far more than that. Sex will bring up a lot for us at times, which simply requires our attention to heal, move on and enjoy a life, a marriage and a family that we always dreamed of. Dive in and explore what needs to be explored, and remember to enjoy the ride!
For more ideas and how to create more fun in the bedroom (even with little ones in your life), check out the weekly tips section on how to create additional time, dates, passion and more!
With all my love,